3rd Muse Poetry Journal SScarborough

Doughnut Sonnet No. 9

Inside the fridge the freakish pastry lies.
A doughnut that is hairy, green, and blue;
I've never seen a pastry of this hue.
The more I look the more I'd say that it has eyes.
It's to the left of mother's Spam surprise
And right behind the chicken cordon bleu.
I stare at it to see what it will do.
The more I stare the more I realize
That this is not your common household pastry;
Perhaps this special doughnut is alive.
It writhes when exposed to air,
And look at it, it's growing hair!
So dare I take a bite? It might be tasty...
On second thought, I don't eat things that writhe.

The Desperate Bachelor to the First Woman He Saw
Parody of "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" by Christopher Marlowe

Come live with me and be my love
In my apartment up above
With leaky faucets and a ceiling
With water-stains that're quite appealing.

And you shall wash my dirty socks
And cook me stew that tastes like rocks.
Our bedroom shall be cold as ice,
And do be careful of the mice.

And I will make thee Ramen noodles.
I'll even let you kick the poodle.
I'll tell you now I snore a little,
And, well, the poodle likes to piddle.

Away we'll to our honeymoon
Down to the local greasy spoon,
Then, my dear, we'll have our kicks
Down at the nearest Motel 6.

A ring straight from my Cracker Jacks
With plastic pearls and stones of wax,
So if these pleasures may thee move
Come live with me and be my love.

My TV's small and black and white
And doesn't always work quite right.
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

The Woman's Reply to the Desperate Bachelor
Parody of "The Nymph's Reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Raleigh

If I weren't intelligent and young
I surely would rip out your tongue.
I surely won't go up above
And live with thee and be thy love.

No way I'll wash your dirty socks.
Now I must go and change my locks.
You are a creepy stalker-man
Who probably drives a mini van.

I don't like poodles, I think they're weird,
In fact, they're something to be feared.
Your pattern baldness does appall;
You sure do have a lot of gall.

And I won't start on Ramen noodles;
They're as frightening as some poodles,
And with you I'll have no kicks
At the Hilton or a Motel 6.

I do not want your ring of wax
From your crusty Cracker Jacks.
This crap in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

A new Corvette, a diamond ring,
A swimming pool, heck, anything!
Now these delights my mind may move
To live with thee and be thy love.